multipains

TW: Body image.

So, day not going great. Cold and fever and coughing are hard – but always worth it from staying out for crazy unrequited love, so whatever. Babylon’s combined rail and postal service screwed up and the tickets that could not be sent online and had to be sent by post didn’t show up, the customer service gave me wrong info, and they could not print new ones, I had to buy new ones, missing the train that would get me to Unpronouncable, Poland in comfortable time. It feels like the whole of the system works mostly, but the individual cogs are made of fragile, poorly-designed components.

It’s cold, I sit in the railway station waiting for the new train – where my feverish self will have to run between connections, too – but at least I have coffee and a place to sit and warm scarves. I still have not done the work I have to do. I will but first dump more about crushing and emotions.

I felt this many times before, though perhaps it is the first this year like this. I don’t necessarily feel what A calls higher fidelity of emotions (I am probably somewhat alexithymic) but I do feel gravitas and inertia of emotions and the reeling now does not stop, nor does it harm or hinder, it is just there. I feel it.

First, of course if is only sad and nothing else if truly I am rejected because I cannot bear a child, but I don’t even feel that sad over that, not dysphoric-sad, because it is not my trans alignment that makes me choose to be childfree. And the needs and wishes of others are valid and legit.

I feel a crawling, odd fear that I really was too much, that the outcome had been better if I had waited longer before letting my intentions become known. Circumstances were such that it made sense to come out, it did not make sense not to. But perhaps that was still not tactical? Should I have played it cool, downplayed interest to make me an uncertain price somehow?

FUCK THAT. I am not here to play games. I am not here to waste time. If I need to lure someone in through some silly exercise, then whatever. Still afraid I did wrong. Oh well. I will remain crushing and friendly. I did many times already in the past and got great friendships out of it. And the thought of not being spontaneous, authentic, that tells me that is not an option any more. Whatever.

Leaving still the feel of lack of self-worth. I believe myself to be ugly, boring, flat, fake, easy to see through and predict, banal, average. Uninteresting. I know by external metrics this is not quite the truth but with experiences proceeding – on some level, I have not received the validation I need to heal yet, have not earned it – I must have more happinesses coming my way before I can avoid feeling like that.

So what is there to do? Embrace all my loves and friendships, old and new, nurture and listen and be happy and seek you, listen, care, create. Exactly what I want. Build and nurture myself. And at this point? School myself more.

I know it is not what would be healthiest from some standpoint of what I recommend to most. But there is a path for me to deal with my body hatred, and social self-hatred, by actually powering through and eliciting response from the world. I know this because I have done it already. I can become more beautiful. If I keep up efforts, intensify them even, I can change my shape further, and ultimately perhaps I will look such that people will consider be attractive even without my personality playing a part? I want that. (It also will let me be read more clearly as my sex.)

For some reason my will to voice practice ties in here too and is another thing I will do. Becoming more eloquent without feeling distanced? Yes. These things will happen.

And I will keep on questing for external validation. I will make all those plans I have reality, I will push until it works, until everyone who looks at my achievements marvel because they expected less.

I will seek overkill. I’ll stack on force multipliers. I will warp and change into the best me that I can be, until there is no way I can be discarded, until there is no way for anyone to be disillusioned with me.

Tearing up again. Keeping it in check, don’t want the hosts in Unpronouncable to think I am weird except in all the ways I want them to. Should start preparing my slides now.