sargat

I’m on the second day of the high-progesterone cycle. And sure, I cannot tell if this is biology or placebo. But I feel like I did in that previous 14 day cycle and it contrasts a lot to the 14 day cycle with estrogen only. I should work and shower and go to my meeting, I will do that, but need to describe this.

It’s both scary and interesting and useful. I am not detached but I am relaxed, laid back. There is less urgency, more acceptance in the face of anything. I feel a little tired, a little slow, not apathetic, but slow. I am not sure if I am, and I suspect it simply is me feeling how tired I really am and have been for a long time. It’s like it shuts off my fear/anxiety driven overdrive mechanism.

That’s scary because I have use for that overdrive as an overachiever. Possibly I can stay equally productive if I ensure enough rest, self-care, work-life balance. But I do feel that since I am less afraid, I am also less energetic. I’ll work that out.

I don’t feel detached, per se, emotions are not less, I am not dissociated. But there is also an… otherness to my emotions. It’s like when I woke up after long sleep and wondered who I was. I feel like myself but I don’t know if it is the same myself as off progesterone? Of course I am the same, I love you all the same and want the same. But on some odd level I don’t have words to describe I also know I am somehow emotionally different than otherwise. It may be I am closer to my body somehow. Like I have greater emotional inertia?

I mostly like this. I’ll learn to modulate it and to understand it better.