step

Mailing psychotherapists to try to secure recommendation letters for bottom surgery forces me to “officially” say I plan it. In some regard I worry I may be going too fast, should I actually make sure to wait before I do anything like this?

At the same time, what would I wait for? Deciding I somehow want _not_ to be a woman? I cannot see this happening. Deciding I prefer to be non-op? I also sort of cannot see it. I fear bad outcomes but that fear will be as valid no matter when I risk it. So more to the point, the mental work I have to do is to become deeply and fully intimate with the fear and with the cumber that will come with recovery and surrounding logistics. As I did with other transition steps, I need to deeply familiarize myself with realistic issues and pains along this route, so that I know that I can cope with them. It’s a matter of preparation.

Is a year enough for that, given everything else? Shorter than a year would not be. But a year might well be. I have to inspect these fears and worries while creating the opportunity. Thereafter I can decide.

Of course I am driven by the want to be able to have at least a little youth in a body like I want it. And that may make me quick and eager. I must be careful with that, but also cannot deny the legitimacy of that wish, if that path is anyway where I would end up. I’ll set things in motion and see what I can learn from my emotions along the way.