Learning to love myself better is probably why I crush on >50% of all trans women I befriend these days. Choosing to become and stay authentic in more areas of life is probably why I now tell ~40% of my crushes rather than <5% as in the past.
I don’t necessarily know what I am doing, but that gets me into friendships where I essentially present a “girlfriend interface” for the taking; even when not accepted, so long as friendship is not rejected, I am happier being the person I am then. Very Maiden mode, and perhaps risky, I should make sure as a crypto-Wiccan that I do no harm except consensually. I learn. That is one thing Maidens do.
Also I procrastinate by planning surgery. I boiled down the experiences of this weekend to sort of, I clock myself whenever naked or sexual, and that gets me dysphoric. It’s possible for very gentle lovers to mask this for me, but I would rather not have to use workarounds all the time. That means I really have to seriously, strongly, get going with the weight loss and the voice training. Not to forget the money. If taxed favourably, and planned wisely, then perhaps having SRS a year from now is not impossible. I’d need to cover the surgeon I want (in all likelihood, Dr Chettawut), travel to Thailand for myself and whoever comes with me, hotel stay for a month there, then margins of 10%-15% for unforeseen issues.
Is that even possible mentally though? So scary. It’s the quickest I can safely and comfortably and carefully get it done. It would leave me healed (inshallah!) by my 40th birthday, I could celebrate that in a naked body. But it’s so short. I would be concerned of getting own scientific projects underway, and of preparing my family for the idea.
The latter actually does scare and impact. So that means I should begin to broach the subject already now during the holidays, to put the fear out there. Stay on the bleeding edge of momentum (by which I mean my vagina…).
I suppose I should also now start getting documentation. I’ll contact the therapist I was diagnosed by to prepare for having a consultation sometime next year so she can write a recommendation, and I’ll need a second letter as well.
Beyond weight and voice and ensuring optimal cardiovascular health (need to start exercising), this is another reason to make sure I have no unsafe sex, as HIV not only would be absolutely horrible but also an exclusion criterion. But I am not planning on getting that anyway. But I should make sure to be in absolutely perfect health a year from now.
Still don’t know if I am doing this. Beginning to feel it’s hypocritical to say that I do not know that I want it. I think it seems credible to say that I want it.
EDIT: Oh, and must also prepare my apartment (fix shower and bathroom, get bidet stuff in place, hope/ensure elevator goes in) so that living here during recovery won’t be such an issue. Lots of things anyway necessary thus motivated.
lost in transition 