threshold

This will be both NSFW and emotional, you have been warned. Also I know I am privileged in so many ways, everything that bothers me bother various other people worse. But this is what I feel.

Whatever. No censoring. From some angles, with makeup, I actually look good, my body even looks good. I get sad and jealous from seeing most cis girls’ breasts but I like what little I do have. I’ll get more, I’m sure. Women in my family are not huge but not minimal either. I dressed up in corset and striped stockings and miniskirt and goggles and boots, aiming for the club theme of apocalypse/asylum. They let me in without question and that felt good.

Some guy named Stiff hit on me and I liked it, sort of, he was muscled and bearded and it felt good when he touched me and kissing felt good despite messing up my lipstick. Communication was not perfect. I’m sure he knew I was trans because he touched my parts, I told him he could only go outside, not inside. I thought for some time he clocked me and was shocked, but probably he was just not that picky. He was going somewhere and I waited for him in playspace and he didn’t come back and I felt ambiguous again. It just does not feel safe with strange men. Men I trust or strange women, that feels safe. This does not. He came back to the playspace but did not see me.

Another guy sat next to me, he was fairly hot too and he touched my breasts and that felt amazing. He asked for a blowjob, I declined but took my gloves on and offered touch. He seemed unimpressed and when the floorshow started just then he left to watch it. I followed. Stiff found me again and we danced more. Being touched and handled like that was awesome, but he kept pressing his dick against me and trying to touch between my buttcheeks and that simply does not feel safe, I kept navigating so he’d instead touch the cheek or the small of my back. Still was hypochondric and worrying, but liked the sexual attention too much to stop.

He kept touching my front too. In the wrong way, grabbing, I could sense he sensed erection, I became aware I could be grabbed, tried to tell him not to. He asked for a break and we sat down. Then he asked if I would stay while he got a drink and he left. It took him way too long to come back. I think he found someone else, but really that rejection does not matter so much.

What matters so much was sitting there and dancing and watching all the beautitful people, comparing myself to them, and realizing how much I can’t be sexual, how much I have to keep back just to be able to forget my genitalia; how that becomes a focus in a sexual setting like this, how I hate not being able to be naked, how I hate being forced to become erect and to manage that, how I hate my squarish frame and the smallness of my breasts.

I may not want to have casual sex with men at all, really. Or I do but it does not matter. More likely, I need a connection there to feel safe. But to have sex with anyone I now need all sorts of juggling, for the other to not actualize the wrongness of my genitals. I can’t even type them out. I hate it so much. It hurts.

Being touched and handled and held and kissed and groped felt amazing, having breasts and butt fondled is amazing, it makes me hot, makes me horny, makes me sexual. Then unless so much care is taken to hide it, genitals get in the way. I don’t think I even care much about orgasm any longer. I don’t care about others’ bodies. But as mine gets mostly more tolerable, by bottom does not. I hate those parts. They’re not part of a me that can be me. They’re like a growth, like an alienness.

Hurting and crying. Could I have surgery a year from now? Could I make it happen? Get the money and documentation, lose the remaining weight, prepare my lab so they they can deal with me being away for a few months? It will be challenging if so. And almost certainly mean being legally male while having a vagina, because that will take fucking longer. But even then, I’d have a year to heal up and I would be able to function freely by my 40th birthday.

Fuck all this so much. Fuck this body. Literally and figuratively. I am now beyond politeness, hipness, style, humour. I just feel so sad about being hindered like this, I feel disgusted and pained and sad about the ways my body are wrong. I want it changed. Probably I will make it so. Possibly as soon as I can.

EDIT: Just to clarify. I can get sex, obviously so. But it’s really hard to enjoy it as I am now. It’s not about how others react at all. It’s about how I react to becoming aware of myself. Just to make that clear.