For today had planned to meet a cis guy from fetlife for potential hookup. He didn’t show up. I went home through the rain and will drink some wine and program, then go out to one of Babylon’s kink parties instead. I don’t expect to interact with anyone there, just to dance, but that’s fine too.
My response to this is telling, I suppose. I was full of uncertainty on whether I wanted this date, because while Fuckboy was pretty as all hell, his conversation itself left my panties pretty dry. I figured I should give it a chance after he wrote to me, as in, see what it can feel like for me to be wanted by a cis man, plus I have wanted to play with such genitals for some time and not gotten the chance.
But the days before I’ve not felt a lot of libido, and I was sort of hoping to just stay in and work on our manuscript, and I was very worried about where my skin was dry – what if I could catch something from him coming on me, should that happen? And more to the point, what if he would force himself beyond my safety requirements?
Fine, I now don’t have to bother, and the evening ends up much better anyway. Possibly I should accept that my attraction to men is nothing that can be guaranteed or that I can seek out, that I should let it come to me, and if it does not, I’m fairly satisfied with my lesbian relationships.
Meh.
lost in transition 