Month: November 2018

cracks

Sad and painful reminder. While most people seemed to gender me correctly so far at the airport, the security check people were surprised at my surprise at asking me to be checked by the male attendant (I then said I was trans and the woman checked me instead), and some other person seemed basically not to like me.

Checking by mirror reveals why; having had laser in the morning I have mottled skin, no foundation, only eye and lip and eyebrow makeup. Clearly it is not sufficient, it’s not just stubble, I really do need the smoothness of foundation to look reasonably like the woman I am.

This saddens me. I hope at some point somehow the changes from HRT will let me get past the need of that Gaussian sub-layer.

Feeling sad but not catastrophically so. Just the average dysphoria-trigger living-in-a-graveyard downs.

spinnerettes

Was a little rabbit-hole triggered again, by the whole cis “I don’t feel gender and would not mind if mine was flipped“ idea. Wherein I’d reiterate, it’s about growing up. Trans alignment means on some level our socialization into our assigned gender cannot be completed. This does not mean crippling dysphoria from day one, only enough that our hearts are not in what we are becoming. This compounds over a childhood and teenagehood into being distanced from ourselves in a way which cis people are not. A flip of sexed body would not come with the results of a long process of socialization failure like this, but one being flipped at birth (as opposed to the putative trans brain flip before birth) probably would. And some fraction of people would be fine either way.

Took the progesterone. Sleep may have been better, felt somehow my body is a whole rather than parts throughout but thinking this is indirect. Observations continue.

moon mask merge

So what happens? My partner (once more in some form) said my face has femininized. I had more moments of not being able to let go of an emotional surge once it started, just deciding what to do with it. Touch feels good.

Got gel estrogen and progesterone prescribed, so will start a cycle now. I wonder if I will experience something.

Also second hand shopping, got some skirts and a jacket for experimenting with business chick looks, curious if I will feel OK with that or not.

EDIT: Oh, and asked my endocrinologist on the possibility of collaborating on clinical studies. He was open in principle and seemed surprised. Continuing to represent!

needles and pins

So today I was having first of probably 12 hour-long sessions today of electrolysis targeting the area outlined (NSFW) here: http://www.chet-plasticsurgery.com/dr-chettawuts-recommendation-of-genital-hair-removal/ .

Each single sting has a needle sting, I hate that most. Then the heat/burn; that is not as bad as laser, but combined with the sting it is. I need to focus away from each one, I was babbling in the local language of Babylon the whole time, mostly saying “what is the word that mean… hmmm…”.

Now I applied only a single coat of anaesthetic, and probably not in the right place fully, so may hurt less next time.

But either way I will get through this.

emo

I kept feeling things very strongly, not quite frustration but Catastrophic Relevance, until finally I slept. Today feeling far more balanced. Being home sick may help too of course.

*

On another note, silver lining of something dark, I saw the medical records of a trans person getting into emergency psychiatric care under psychosis and intensive drug use, in the jurisdiction where I live. They ran away to find more drugs, they were restrained due to damage risk and generally must have provided a complicated situation. All the same, the report did not misgender, mentioned they were trans in passing as part of anamnesis (but not under diagnoses or treated pathologies), and generally was respectful. This implies to me that many systems at least here in Babylon actually might function as intended. I am glad of that, in these days of regressive politics.

tens

I don’t care if it is the same phenomenon or not, or if I am appropriating anything or not, but today I have no skin and I parse this as being something like a PMS experience. It’s the same as

– Sep 11 ( https://lost-in-transition.tumblr.com/post/177970939869/skinless-moon )

– Aug 30 ( https://lost-in-transition.tumblr.com/post/177558704049/tension )

So not periodic or predictable, and there are surrounding stressors. But everything feels heavy and sad and hard and I just want to crawl under blankets and blargh. Lying in bed trying to program, wanting to scream.

It will be OK. I hope it is something similar because I’d feel better knowing it is something I share with my cisters.

movement matter molting

Day is multistressed, and I sense I am in a state where I jump at anything remotely scary, even social things. Interesting. Don’t think it is any microhormone fluctuation per se (though it extends worries last night which faded a little when I replaced spent patches) but rather compound effects of how stressful things are right now.

Still have a cold, irritating. Worried about things. But feeling good also, feeling seen, and I can navigate all of this.

Oh, and discovered I can receive stimulation with a Hitachi through tucking and that this feels great when another person does it to me, so at least some things still work now in terms of sexual reception. Watched surgery videos and felt scared, but then again, the point is that I should be sedated while they do it to me, and then for things to be bandaged while initial healing happens. Meh.

And I am beginning to recognize I may have several emotional wounds from previous situations that actually behave similarly to very very weak subclinical PTSD, in most cases I don’t even acknowledge I have been hurt because I don’t feel I deserve compassion about those things, I blame myself. Nothing severe. But all sorts of complex things left marks, and I may be getting to a point where I can acknowledge that and maybe work on it. Is this finally me getting a little closer to graduated emotions?

loathing

After a few days of unconditional acceptance at the conference with no issues at all I was sir:d by the lady selling me coffee, despite expressing femme. I tried to speak up but I mumbled and she did not here. Next time I must be harsh and ask until a get a response what the person says. I will do this, will spellbound myself to it. That is a Crone act too. It’s impolite and hurtful but revenge and sharp response is of the Crone.

It must be because the last few days were so good that this hurts now so much. One person did misgender me back then but for her I can think it was habit. Not so here. What’s wrong with my despicable corpse of a body? Holding back tears. Is it the face? The forehead? Probably face length and jaw. Is that even possible to fix? Can more years of hormones do anything? Can surgery? Obsessing, spiraling, hurting deeply. Reached out on instagram. Blogging. Reaching out to loved ones. Disproportionate response. In pain.

What is wrong? How do I find out what is wrong? How do I fix it? For the first time I’m seriously considering facial surgeries. It really is true, the better things get for baseline, the more vulnerable I am.

I hate my form and my features right now, at this minute. Loathing this corpse. Wanting to cry but I don’t have the time.

S

For some reason I am sweating, and my armpits smell, my deodorant may be of poor quality and I hate it and it is awful. It’s probably just bad luck with the deodorant make but I feel so disgusting and it makes me feel dysphorically masculine. Need to cope, need to improve, will do so.