colour

It’s so hard to tell when something is a likely placebo, versus when not. I can not tell. But the last days, combining stress with some extra time to just be tired and do very little in the late evenings, seems new somehow, it seems like a somewhat new colour of me, feel of being me. I’ve had unusual (?) extents of afternoon haze, a little more tiredness, maybe unusual amounts of morning and other worry tendencies. I feel a little warm and, well, not swollen but raw? I feel I accumulate and lose water a little more maybe.

Probably just interpretation. But it could be that progesterone metabolites built up over 9-10 days, maybe that is part of a cycle mechanism in cis women. I will soon go down again to follicular phase equivalent, in a few days. Maybe this is more close to actual PMS? Is there a dimension of progesterone vs estrogen relative action?

Not sure, and that is all fine. The relevant part is it seems to my biased mind that this is a particular colour of feeling, of things a litle heavier, cloudier, but also of resignation somehow, of being calm rather than irritated, a little more vulnerable, a little more anxious, maybe a little more craving social interactions to soothe, craving bonds not input.

Who knows? I’m excited being me either way.

Also, trans culture is watching for other trans people all the time in public spaces, being uncertain whether we found one, and being super happy just if we thing we did, but not daring to signal too much attention.

Peace.