loathing

After a few days of unconditional acceptance at the conference with no issues at all I was sir:d by the lady selling me coffee, despite expressing femme. I tried to speak up but I mumbled and she did not here. Next time I must be harsh and ask until a get a response what the person says. I will do this, will spellbound myself to it. That is a Crone act too. It’s impolite and hurtful but revenge and sharp response is of the Crone.

It must be because the last few days were so good that this hurts now so much. One person did misgender me back then but for her I can think it was habit. Not so here. What’s wrong with my despicable corpse of a body? Holding back tears. Is it the face? The forehead? Probably face length and jaw. Is that even possible to fix? Can more years of hormones do anything? Can surgery? Obsessing, spiraling, hurting deeply. Reached out on instagram. Blogging. Reaching out to loved ones. Disproportionate response. In pain.

What is wrong? How do I find out what is wrong? How do I fix it? For the first time I’m seriously considering facial surgeries. It really is true, the better things get for baseline, the more vulnerable I am.

I hate my form and my features right now, at this minute. Loathing this corpse. Wanting to cry but I don’t have the time.