salience

Making a brief post instead as the caffeine need is very high, along with the tiredness. Found something empowering while at the same time humbling, and my own responses interesting. At a scientific conference, we were sorted into tables randomly for dinner. Another girl sorted to the same table sat down next to me, whom I am 90-95% but not 100% sure is also trans, but possibly stealth. I am confident she passes as cis to any cis person, and it is interesting that I cannot be fully sure. Spending time with her in this manner felt very validating, also because with that, my presence in a scientific space like this is further normalized – there ends up being almost the expected population fraction of trans people present and it does not at any point become an issue.

I also became slightly less secure than otherwise – while I was older and professionally more senior, she would clearly be further along and definitely more confident. I would have felt insecure but used once more the Maiden techniques to shut that worry down. This is the humbling part, all of us maybe become somewhat uncertain when with people we admire, more self-conscious. I am glad of learning to handle it. Did not expect to meet another girl like me in this context, curious if I have, happy if so, would want to be friends with. If things progress, it will eventually cease to be remarkable and just be safe and peaceful integration and acceptance.

Also still very very wondering how often I am clocked versus passes for cis. I really cannot know. And feeling in a tenderized body kind of way that I need to work on my voice.