Trans alignment not managed by transition is sometimes lethal. We go insane and take our lives, for example. I never will. But right now I understand those who do very well, and my current woes are even very minor, compared to what others have to go through.

My home country would formally let me change my legal sex with little trouble, I am quite sure – I fulfil medical criteria according to established international standards. They changed the rules a few years back to be more inclusive. From previously requiring citizenship for legal sex change, now residency is. This is a step up for everyone except for expats like myself. Because it means that while my application likely would be approved, I am not allowed to file it. So my passport has a little “M” in it, much like a malign melanoma forms a little dot on the skin of some other unlucky person.

Being the squares that they are, this means my country of residency – banks, public departments etc. – often claim they must register me as a man, meaning they will use male honorifics in communication etc., and moreover, means that my interacting them feels like a tacit endorsement of the misgendering.

How does that feel? Signing feels like taking on shackles, and the skin and flesh rots to the bone where they touch. Seeing the wrong label feels like that is about another person, like something I cannot bear to look at directly, like a wrongness or hole in the world. Discovering again in a new context (today, residency registration), that yields a clear view of immediate dysphoria; it feels like shock and sadness. I told them, across the language barrier, to do what they must when registering my address, needed it done for taxes to work. Left and remain with the pain hiding behind my eyes. Tears that must come out. I can only delay it, though I suppose if I delay it enough it dissolves into some grating salt against my bones and the inner surfaces of my empty skull.

This fucking hurts so much. Before I could ignore, but I have gotten used to feeling like a real person, so the difference is important. I must resolve this. Wikipedia says [citations needed] that my host country has prior court cases signifying my identity should be enough for documents and addressing, but without being able to point to them, this does not help me. There is no legal way for me to file the application in my home country, because they also do not want me to fake being resident there. Discussions ongoing imply the law may change, but who knows if this will remove the residency requirement, as that was always only a spandrel? A minor detail they did not care if it would expect someone. I am fringe of fringe demographic, as an expat trans person. My experience was never real to the lawmakers. Perhaps I will be lucky as they change it, perhaps not.

I could file in my host country if I become stateless but that does not seem like a wise idea. At this rate, I may end up having had bottom surgery before being legally addressed correctly. I never give up. I will continue to do what I do, I will realize my ambitions in this and all other fields. My agency is boundless and I will use it. I will make the most of this day, whether I spend some of it crying or not. Others have it much worse. I want to bite holes in my skin, walk carelessly through traffic, punch my hands through glass surfaces. I will not do those things. I will move forward. It fucking hurts. I will move forward.