So beating the dead horse a little more still (tenderize!), just short of the six month mark of HRT I certainly weep easier. Today from dysphoria, frustration, love, being moved, and, a first since childhood, from saying goodbye to a loved one for at least a month.
Of course it is hard to tease apart what is deprogramming toxic masculinity and what is neurological. My belief firmly remains it is both; that deprogramming goes easier with an appropriate endocrine state. I also could recognize something; it is here not necessarily that the emotion was not there, but I have an easier time now feeling it in my body – face scrunching up, voice breaking, eyes tearing up, and also perhaps laughing and shaking in other cases. The body creates a feedback, it makes me notice the emotion more clearly and persistently.
Thus perhaps I adapt my body to be a proper canvas for my emotions, so I can more easily see them. Interesting, and with implications for minds without such bodies.
Sitting in airport waiting until I can check in. Trying to make a dent in the mountain of neglected research tasks. Feeling like the conduit for a storm, and feeling somewhat content with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, need to make sure my makeup is not totally ruined by my silent weeping. Much love!
lost in transition 