wraith recon

I met someone at the store whom I have been acquainted with for a long time, and who knows me reasonably. It was long since we met. We spoke. I’m not sure if he recognized who I am during this, which would be interesting, it would imply I now look quite different from what I did. I wonder so much how I came across?

Still a long way to go though. I will sculpt myself, I will see what I can do in some regards, and fight as needed to ensure I have the HRT dosages I need. I further must continue voice work. All this still amounts most likely to a future where I might almost pass for cis in some contexts, but with my genitals standing out by contrast. I try to plan and structure so as to make circumstances (internal and external and connection-wise) such that by a time like that, as little as possible then would stand in the way of me fixing this.

Really this is interesting. That drive informs my intent to be more diligent in voice work, and did inform my need to come out properly and fully to family, because I need them not to be surprised or to freak out if I tell them I will have invasive genital surgery for a month in Thailand a couple of years from now. And I need to know at that point that my voice does not immediately get me clocked, because I fear otherwise I might sometimes feel like a parody.

Was not going to write about that now again, but apparently did anyway. Oh, well.

cisterhood

There emerges when I meet girl friends I have not seen in a while an increased feeling of connection. I feel I am received in a homosocial manner. At the same time, I suspect it is not them acting differently so as to be closer to me, but me being able to receive them better because I feel less of differences between us. And perhaps also because there is less background confounding from sexuality happening. Fascinating.

EDIT: This also raises the scary possibility of men being alienated from each other because they combine homophobia with high background confounding from sexuality. That is, pre-HRT AMAB bodies may make sex so much a priority that being too close feels scary unless the other is an allowed sexual object. Which would be messed up, an intersection of messed up biology and culture…

hearing

Somewhat scared. Apparently there is a hearing loss condition (otosclerosis, ossification of the middle ear structures) that may be worsened depending on estrogen levels. One minor thing I had this year was feelings of clogged ears ever so often, for which I had a hearing test. I have no reduced hearing, but it did seem as though I have some sort of middle ear constriction. My father has significant hearing loss, so worry of the morning is that my HRT may be accelerating a hearing loss condition, which would be horrible. Now, I absolutely need hormonal transition, but I also want my hearing to remain good. So need to have this investigated further, and to check it regularly, and to do all I can to prevent it while still getting the treatment I need.

EDIT: Mother believes I do not have father’s otosclerosis, but rather her tendency to constricted ear canals. And it is true, early otosclerosis symptoms are still hearing loss or dizziness, not ears feeling clogged, so even if I were to have some early stage otosclerosis, that would still mean no hearing reduction, and more importantly not be the reason behind my clogged ears. Will still take fluoride preemptively if I find it, and ensure proper hydration…

trifecta

I think I can conclude a few more things on emotions, a few more HRT related things trending now significance. Some were visible today so I noticed.

Four months in, I have mood spells lasting a few hours. Sometimes vulnerable/raw/melancholic/sad, like feeling emotionally bruised, more often being irritable/angry. Perhaps once or twice a month? No pattern to them, and nothing external triggering. I can wake up like this, or it comes slowly online. Like I am on a hair trigger and easily irritated, growling, impatient, angry. I can and do ignore it. But it’s there, rarely, and I think it’s new.

Another set are times when I am just huggy and needy, wanting to be held and comforted, and it feels very much like I need it. I note that while libido is down, there is a strong physical reaction of a different kind sometimes when sensuality rises. I can get weak-kneed from being kissed, which lasts for minutes and makes me more cuddly, but without me really wanting to escalate or even to maintain, just feeling dizzy from the pleasure of the nearness.

Then I think also I end up more tired at night. Some is getting up earlier, some perhaps a changing body needing more sleep, and some may be S no longer holding back, so that she lives more fully without noticing tiredness until it is quite high, or rather, not getting emotionally tired before cognitively or somatically tired.

Thinking these may indeed be filed under mental effects of my HRT. Other things happening, many good. Moving forward.