diurnal

Was out drinking and dancing yesternight, getting used to (and blistered from) new nice shoes. This afternoon in a slight moody state, easily worried. Getting up and active should help.

Procrastinating by casually browsing SRS anaesthesia and aftercare, feeling whelmed by how cumbersome/worrying some things seem (anaesthetic catheter in the spine for epidural? what if I lay on it and get paralyzed? skin grant becoming vascularized – but what if I am the exception and it doesn’t and get necrotic, and I am left with no skin to shield myself with?). Though probably this is still the process of getting used to the idea, to my subconscious giving me exposure therapy. Still feels very very whelming, as does the time required for recovery. I wonder if I can learn narratives of women who had SRS while working in similar fields as I, to learn of how they could keep up and maintain their lives during that stage?

Curious on whether I currently have any sexual response. Fascinated again by the feeling of body comfort from genitals no longer getting erect. There used to be lots of microsensations, tiny swelling responses from temperature or posture or mental states, not visible to others. This always made me aware of my genitals on some level. HRT removes those responses for me and so effectively blanks out my genitals from my active body map. I wonder if this is something like an opposite phantom limb? If nothing else, then it does suggest that having these position sensations is something I prefer not to, which may be relevant.

Also need to ensure I do not fall behind on other transition work, either body reshaping, posture or voice work.