status variabilis

On the second day, feeling much better. Pet hypothesis: pill form meant most of my E was E1, not E2. Spray means entirely E2. Higher dose E2 thus from spray, and I was moody from the dosage change. However, then my breasts should hurt more presumably, and they don’t? Or may not be so simple.

In any case, feeling much better today.

I did my best in the grant application interview. Some question my answers may not have made sense, or more correctly, revealed how little immunology I know. Still, there’s a chance, I will learn eventually. And if I did not get this grant, I will get the next, or the one thereafter, or thereafter. A witch never gives up until she chooses to, and I choose not to.

Now on train to France, will write up an agenda and make slides.

rifts

My chaos comes to a culmen. I am on a train towards Bruxelles, tomorrow I will defend my research project. Knowing I may be the first openly trans person to interview, and likely the first to transition while the application was evaluated, makes it even more important I succeed. I am extremely stressed right now from a million sources.

The gel estradiol delivery is a hassle. It bothers me that I can’t tell if my emotions now are because it does not work well, or because it works well and my responses to the stress therefore are more volatile. I just know I feel very close to crying.

But I’ll do my best. Sitting on a train with a cute lesbian couple next to me being all adorable. I’ll do my best because that is what I choose.

meds

Started day with a new laser provider who was actually good – a fourth of what I paid in the past, and spent a lot of time actually hitting the spots where needed.

Then endo meeting. Things chaotic – unsure if I actually had an appointment (chaos and languages in Babylon) but the doctor saw me anyway. Will end up trying estradiol in gel form, and probably lowering blocker dosages; he seemed willing to prescribe progesterone in the future.

These things all good but leaving me still somehow shaken afterwards, as though things which relate to medical administration (and which are important) leave me feeling as though I survived something.

Question then is – do I change my HRT delivery regime before or after the big scary important grant interview on Wednesday? The wise answer would be “after“. The me answer probably is not.

namae

Just a a brief additional notice, more on my namesake analyzed here, to elaborate on the dimensions of agency and coping and navigating that my last post mentioned.

https://jowritesstuff.wordpress.com/2015/05/30/strong-female-characters-sophie-hatter/

As stated, did not conciously think of this as a trans story then, but looking back, the thought of being on some level a woman placed in a body not your own where others will not recognize you, then doing the best you can going forward, that resonates with me.

Also the power of her own unique witchery, eventually developed, resonates with me.

turns

Last few day have been intense work-wise. At the same time, other experiences along the way.

One being the background awfulness of (not all) men; dirty looks, some more catcalls, the drunk who drove me from where I sat working (if you are in Babylon late at night and see a girl intently hacking a way at a laptop in some awkward public space, this is me), the disgusting regular-guy-with-a-bicycle who was masturbating in broad daylight next to the park and playgrounds, well aware people could see him. I am getting more careful, somehow, more conscious of possible threats.

Learning better posture, slowly. Currently ignoring voice shortcomings. Feeling too heavy but still continuously feeling I actually look good, and happy in that, more than I would have thought.

Meeting professional connections. Thus far literally everyone has accepted my transition without question or comment. This is weird, but I gratefully receive it.

Still boycotting misgendering-habitually-Douglas the cosmetics chain. But gaining a better view still of Q&A that actually now had lots of dresses at low cost that fit my changing body. I got another five, three of which have floral patterns. Who would have thought?

Thinking more on my chosen name and realizing that there are trans angles on the literary character who was one of the sources (Sophie, of Wynne Jones’s Castle books). She becomes cursed with a body she never chose, with the context to go with it. She then does what she needs to fix it, her own brand of magic and wit and humbleness and weary smiling cynicism as she copes and works. I was always thinking of that experience, somehow, of accepting reality as it is and then going forward from there. Did not realize how indeed she too was stuck in a body unchosen and unwanted, and seen by others as someone she wasn’t. Perhaps it contributed to the affinity, however?

xp

Just to verify, I really am closer to tears these days, from stress. I sense the stress feels differently, less possible to ignore, no less possible to navigate and cope. Had to make a very significant effort to hold back tears in front of my administrator today.

And it feels great. I possess strength throughout this. I have agency. I have excellence. This will go well.

corpora

NB: NSFW

Libido stays low, and this mostly does not bother me. Theoretical and conceptual interest in sex as symbol and practice remains high. Sex as bonding with partners work, and I’ve enjoyed that – exploring and touching them. One big difference is that it’s become much like cuddling with some parts deepening into more intense touch and stimulation, I don’t really care as much as I used to about anyone getting off, which used to be a really big thing for me.

As regards the one I am with, I want of course for them to reach whatever goal they are after, but the need to provide that (and gain validation from having been able to provide that) has lessened significantly. I worried some this would make me lazy but I don’t think it has to, as long as I ensure I stay embodied and comfortable and liking the cuddling/intimacy aspect while I do things with them, then I’m still happy giving another what they seek, so long as I am happy having sex with them in the first place.

As regards myself, it’s now been long since I climaxed, almost so I fear sometimes I may risk losing the capacity. However, this is not for trying and failing, but for not trying at all; I have zero interest to self-pleasure, and when with a partner, while on some level I want for them to make me come, the idea of messy discharges and coming down to the reality of my current parts configuration is off-putting enough that I haven’t asked for it, though probably next time I shall because I’m curious how it will feel now, how and if it has changed.

Generally, uncomfortable baring bottom parts even during sex now. This all sounds awfully like increasing (clarity of) genital dysphoria. I wonder what it would be like post-op? And also, I’m curious on whether the anecdotal experiences of others saying another form of libido returned to them once they started progesterone would apply to me. I will meet my new endocrinologist next week, will ask then if they will support me trying it.

Also while I am still switch and still capable of top dynamics, it seems
a lot of the drive for that was validation-related. Interesting.

TLDR; All in all good, calm, but also gradually more and more curious on what being stimulated is like now, and less and less comfortable with my parts during sex. Curious on who I am now sexually. Demisexual switch?

eyes and voices

Still no idea how others see me. I was called androgynous as a compliment, that felt painful but not as much as it would have, since it simply highlights I have distance left to cross, and have made some headway.

In airport, people look at me in a few different ways. Many ignoring or accepting or welcoming, some interested, some surprised, some shocked. I wonder how much is in my head, and how much it will change. I will see.

Thinking my writing voice may have changed subtly. More to the point. Though it was such back when I last blogged seriously, a million years ago in the community era. Someone said my text voice changed throughout this present blog. Let me know if you see it.

instaban

In terms of problematic validation, got my first true chaser, followed by some dude on instagram just posting dirty sex memes and just following trans women. Blocking him but seeing it also as a milestone of sorts, just as with the street harassment…