parties

NSFW I guess.

My genitals feel like some sort of alien thing, not a part of me, not something I can understand as me. That’s not to say I hate them, I suppose, but I’m recognizing that I cannot relate well to them. With my frame and face and presentation changing, I can relate much better to the rest of me, I am not diverting my gaze from my mirror image. I don’t want to look directly at crotch bulges, or to be naked under my own gaze, however, and if a partner touches me there, I want to still be clothed so I don’t see, so I know I am not seen, and I loathe the dark mood state of cleanup that follows release.

I suppose this is genital dysphoria. I’ll keep up my efforts to create the situation where SRS as I want it becomes a real and immediate option, with the various social and emotional and physical and logistical and financial barriers out of the way. At the point those barriers are lowered, will I get it? Beginning to very much seem so.