Month: June 2018

text

Fun fact. I just was basically unable to edit a text shared to my deadnamed google doc account, because seeing my edits under that name (and knowing others would see me as that person having signed off on them) felt dysphoric. Then my access request under my chosen name went through and I can continue editing. Interesting.

stride

Wearing the E patches symmetrically over where my ovaries would have been. Maybe if this continues, I could even get tattoos that somehow define medication patch areas. Need a much fitter body before that, looking over my routines. Still have some tendencies to reward eating by the end of a long day and want to shift that into something else.

It seems all my family who knows accept me. They want me to come out to the one grandmother who does not know, so I am writing a letter. This is huge.

Had a wave of sadness the other day thinking of how much I’d want to be able to experience someone going down on me with me having the right anatomy. Saving-for-surgery thus on my mind. Found an interesting blog:

https://lifesexperimentblog.wordpress.com/

which is by a woman seemingly sharing a lot of demographics with me, she is polyamorous, kinky, working in IT (close enough) and otherwise someone who seems to some extent to be similar enough that hearing her experiences of preparations, fears, anxiety, progress and outcome of surgeries and other things may be informative for me. Will read more of it.

trajectory

Feeling better on more sensible E2 dose.

Parents becoming more clearly acceptance, they read some of what I write online too. That is good. Still a lot of deadnaming but they do say they try. This touches me a lot, I will process it and write more.

issuesauce

So, new endo suggested using non-pill estradiol delivery. First tried spray, then patches. Prescribed patches appear to come out to about a quarter of the dose I had the last four months. Tried this for a day or so. Issues sleeping, headache and so on could have just been weather, but general feeling of unease and that everything is difficult and draining and requiring vigilance, the feeling of not being able to relax and be present… that probably is real. First time I go down from semi-steady E2. This tells me I must make sure levels are high enough. Keeping track of my HRT stocks, and hoping, though having faith, that things will be OK with the doctor going forward. Learned he has the unexpected profile of having both a medical and a law doctorate. No idea why.

During the down state, ended up being more prone to worry and questioning, slightly more irritable. Beginning to notice a difference between sadness/tears in high-estrogen mode, and sadness/no-tears dysphoria in low-estrogen mode. The latter feels like active threat awareness and carrying heavy weights. The former feels like channeling something.

We are complex, I am complex. I need not know all about the origins or implications of my state, though I will explore it. But I know now I need control over my sex hormone levels, need for them to be where I want, and that I would go quite far to maintain that control. Whether because it is I need E2, or because having neither E nor T messes anyone up, or both, I must be able to steer this. I will ensure I can.

parties

NSFW I guess.

My genitals feel like some sort of alien thing, not a part of me, not something I can understand as me. That’s not to say I hate them, I suppose, but I’m recognizing that I cannot relate well to them. With my frame and face and presentation changing, I can relate much better to the rest of me, I am not diverting my gaze from my mirror image. I don’t want to look directly at crotch bulges, or to be naked under my own gaze, however, and if a partner touches me there, I want to still be clothed so I don’t see, so I know I am not seen, and I loathe the dark mood state of cleanup that follows release.

I suppose this is genital dysphoria. I’ll keep up my efforts to create the situation where SRS as I want it becomes a real and immediate option, with the various social and emotional and physical and logistical and financial barriers out of the way. At the point those barriers are lowered, will I get it? Beginning to very much seem so.

traum

Remembered a dream for once. This had somehow my online presences – this tumblr, specifically – being targeted by an army of transphobic trolls dumping memes and walls of TERF-y text at me, commenting on all posts and somehow defacing them. It felt sad. I think it’s just a dream though.

scenic route

A straight cis guy asked me out and we went on a date. First time for that. While his CV would have made him very interesting, for some reason no spark was struck. He asked if I was interested in a relationship with him, I gently told him no in many more words. This whole thing feels extremely validating, whether or not I will turn out to like men in the final calculus.

dear

These days I am aggressively “dear“-ing people in emails. Even people I previously would not because I feared (within toxic masculinity) that it would seem like a gay come-on (dangerous!) to do so. Irrational response of mine back then. Now, dear-ing everyone is a silly and symbolic way for me to claim femininity. Demonstrating to myself and the world that I am no man.