gifting

Maybe this is what I feel. If I am perfectly diligent and get all the rest done. If I:

– Make my conduct empathetic and kind and non-angry, containing and open and caring, as I feel I want to be able to see myself.

– Sculpt my body further with food and exercise and whatever, alongside the hormones, so I can be understood as female by an observer having only my shape to go by.

– Learn to stop slouching and maintain a straight posture (because something about me has to be straight at least, amirite?) again impacting how I feel.

– Finish up laser fully and wholly, and laser also the parts that could cause hair issue during Thai-style SRS (e.g. perineum).

– Master voice so I can blend voice style under pressure too.

If I do all those things, so there would not be too much hanging over me otherwise, then I could finally reward myself with bottom surgery, excusing the recovery time and the costs by that being something I have paid for through effort. This all is complex and messed up and I am emotional and currently deeply longing to just have a body that neither myself nor others would question as being female.

I suppose this is a path and an interesting one at that. If I resolve this, and also set money aside, then there can come a point when the matter is simple, when I will feel confident that it is OK for me to go ahead and have surgery. This thought is becoming resident in the ecosystem of my mind. We shall see what I make of it.

Meh day. Trolls. Bothersome. Needing to work, and will. And will meet people, and deal with things. Absolutely needing to get out of bed, first.