cracks

I did get quite messed up by interacting with a troll this morning, worries on validity spiraling and causing then those old symptoms of locking up, not enjoying, not being present, feeling cold and pain. Ending up sort of sad and worried over the ways in which I am _not_ like other women, in terms of biology and in terms of life experiences. Those are not all the ways, and as long as I and others go more by other properties in classifying me, then still all fine. But I do feel it hanging over me still, like a chocked sadness behind the eyes, being near to tears. I really am more sensitive. Part is expectations having changed, and part is possibly HRT increasing openness – thus also dysphoria. I wrote about this possibility before several times. I guess the point though is, and this is really just a coda to the last post reiterating it in context, that my impulse in return becomes to try my bet to become like other women in terms of biology and experiences both, while still remaining me. So the increasing intensity of dysphoria being triggered all in all drives me to fight against it by trying to become such that I feel less invalid.

Meh.