Month: May 2018

gelded lining

In pleasant counterpoint to misgendering, the MediaMarkt cashier needed to see my ID having deadname as well on it to accept the deadname-showing credit card. This made me smile happily for a long time thereafter, as did spending the evening at a meetup for queer women, where I felt I was accepted without standing out in the wrong way.

haute pain

Observation from course/workshop today: Accidental, uncorrected misgendering (e.g. wrong pronouns) are beginning to hurt more and more, causing long stretches of intrusive dysphoric ideation and of feeling numb and near to tears. Like hearing someone died.

I can choose to ride out these stretches but I cannot choose not to hurt. Efforts to avoid or correct matter and are thus deeply appreciated. Noting my attention/presence/capacity reduced by ~40% in the subsequent hours. Intentional misgendering would not hurt so much.

Compulsive, desperate thoughts about what I could possibly do or change so that others would not make this mistake (starve myself to full atrophy? facial or vocal surgeries? tone down my personality to be fucking demure, become small and timid and quiet?). Mind boiling.

Would rather be focusing on work, given extent of current projects and deadlines. Luxury problem. Others endure violence and discrimination. I know. I wonder if I will have to cry when I get out of this room? The feeling persists. Had not expected that. I’ll be OK though.

*

Away from there. Almost tweeted this hence sentences. But did not want to seem so I-don’t-know-what. Still want to cry but not break down in public. So stressed too. I will submerge into work for now.

dirt

Went out late, got dressed late. Ultimately did not put on foundation, may look OK anyway. Longing for that time when no stubble remains.

On way home, saw two men parking car. When inside my courtyard, opening the house door, two men came in after me, looked around, then went out again. It could have been the same ones or others. They may have been looking for whatever and not found it.

They might also have followed me and then when they saw the yard was not dark and I already at my door they went back again. But if so – and it bothers me that I do not know – then they would have been targeting me. Presumably thinking I was cis (in heels and a skimpy dress, carrying a big grocery bag) and wanting to do something to me that I don’t want to think about.

Intermingling confusion, uncertainty, the most messed up kind of validation, and fear. And feminist vindication, whether this was an actual unsafe situation or not. Mostly fear and anger either way. Rite of passage of womanhood, I suppose, and probably not the last time in any way…

All fine now, you need not worry. I will perform a burst of analysis, then cook food and watch cartoons.

atrocity

It used to be the case that whenever I was attracted to someone, it was always due to properties I would want for myself, I would be drawn only to things I also would want to be embody. I long parsed my feelings about myself so as to this being something that was only logical, certainly every person would – should – also want to embody all properties they found attractive? This seems not always to be the perspective of other people.

In any case, I am now experiencing some cases where people are interesting or attractive in the sense that I am drawn to them and fascinated by them, but they do not register to that part of my mind that notes their appearance as something I would like to embody. This is new and alien to me, and I suppose it is not as new to others.

blend

As I may have written, I do not want to talk of passing. Better to speak of blending. The question is, how well do I blend? I honestly don’t know and it bothers me and I want the help of others to find out.

When dolled up, I do get some creepy or nice men flirting sometimes, and I do get some catcalls. But are these people seeing me as a woman or as a fetish?

Do people who see me casually all know I am trans, or are there some who actually do not? I would like to know, if nothing else then so as to know where I am developmentally.

alters

Moving through the spaces where I am and where I express. Asked panel question being shown on big screen and on microphone, danced, spent time. I note that except for some of the time, I feel better and better about how I look, so long as I take it far enough, and I feel safer and safer – natural is not the word, but comfortable? – presenting and taking space as I do.

At the same time, voice confidence varies. I enjoy using mine except when I have to project loud enough, because then pitch becomes wrong one way or another. No fun to become heard in noisy environments.

Things going somewhere.

conventional

At my first non-games oriented convention. Did Vulcan femme cosplay with a dear cisfemale friend, interesting and precious (and we looked good) though I do worry in context people will somehow believe I am crossplaying, which begins to matter more that they do not.

Similarly was freaking out with blanked wavy shock/sadness (sudden onset dysphoria?) with my nametag having my deadname. They were nice about changing it though, and it feels good to have/grow the normalcy of participating unquestioned as female.

Then running out of clothes because unprepared, and now experimenting with long tops over short skirts. Concerned with the resulting squareness, and the smallness of my bust when not wearing that one really flattering bra, but this is in a sense an experience I must share at some point with every woman. Moving through it.

In other notes, doing science and drinking overpriced wheat beer.

remaindeer

Due to logistics, ended up ~3h late with my evening estrogen pill. Could feel my skin crawling and the sort of sense that everything was irritating and concerning. Nocebo or effect. Interesting.

In other news, read heartwrenching fiction piece about a good dog and could not stop myself from repeatedly tearing up on the S-bahn. One step of a day of many complex frustrations, but in itself good.

Noting I seem vaguely to dress like one of my idols now. It seemed weird to me she would take her femmeness so high. Now I get why.

wholesome validations for once

Some validation which for once is not problematic: The host institute has a mailing list for all female employees, apparently, where now was sent out a call for the election of a “women’s representative“. A little old-fashioned compared to the corresponding equality strategies in my earlier lab, but still an overall good thing. As a woman employee, I am on this mailing list, and I am eligible to vote. This delights me.