Month: March 2018

war logs

Today will meet potential students and be present first time as incoming in my new professional role. Jump starting a little, a month-and-half before lab formally starts. It will be packed. I will cope. Yesterday good meeting, excepting one person almost no misgendering/deadnaming, it did hurt when publicly happening though. Old Doctor asked if I might be anemic and I thought it was so sweet that I kept smiling thereafter, and Young Doctor, who is French and extremely proud femme, greeted me with cheek kisses and casually bonded/gave advice on minor health things; this too felt deeply validating (and honestly, for the past five years, she is one of those I looked to thinking, “I’m so sad that isn’t me”…).

Stress levels high but meh. Endocrinologist mailed. Don’t think anemia is an issue because she would have seen and told me, asked in any case. Apparently hormones are now in female range, and I can decrease CPA dose to 75% of what we started with; one wants that gradually kept as low as possible. Hoping that will reflect satisfactory intrinsic scaling down of T production, because I don’t want those levels to rise again. Well, if so we will see in next test…

She also said to note if breast tenderness was too high, I thought I have none, but last night and waking now, I do feel it more and more; a hot, tender feeling. I’m more tender, and it should mean I am beginning to grow. Knee pain is subsiding, but a weird tenderness on back of buttocks since a day or so. I do wonder if this may be related to fat redistribution?

Skin is clearly softer, and scratches really easily. Body hair growth slowed even further and it feels like a miracle. Was worried some body smells might be returning but actually not thinking they are. Mentally, may be a little more emotionally present – it shows in that anxiety and worry is more urgent even when in background (not a choice to ignore it, but still a choice to ride it and not act on it), and I did have some similarly spontaneous euphoria. Curious where this keeps going. One dear friend said she saw differences in my face but I am not sure they are there yet. Might be getting paler, leading to Old Doctor’s assessment; reduced pigmentation perhaps.

stream of unknowing

So, so, so many interconnected things at once. Want to update, finding it hard to find time. Will summarize important things, perhaps?

– One month on hormones. Just went to give blood for followup tests. CPA & estradiol, ensuring B12, omega-3, zinc, iron levels stay well by supplement. Curious on lab test results.
– Probably wholly unrelated ache/hotness in kneecaps, like before when I was heavier. Inflammation, presumably. Should go see a doctor. It may be that my muscles begin to atrophy, and that this places strains.
– Speaking of muscle atrophies, still no sign. Eager to lose the bulky biceps.
– Sensitivity and some tenderness and swelling of breasts, though not yet statistical significance of filling out. Feeling entirely unselfconscious about wearing a bra to work now though. And nipples seem most reliable way for me to get aroused.
– On that level, generally not caring/thinking about sex, and happy about that. If with someone and we take the steps to engage, it still works fine, better than before since I care less about any end points. No idea if tumescence sufficient for penetration any longer, and could not care less about that. Not taking the time to self-stimulate, so certainly at risk for eventual shrinkage. Have better things to do anyway; I now seem more sensitive to stress as a sexuality repressor.
– Lack of casual such responses surprisingly happiness-inducing, feeling more at home in my body all the time. Having sometime weird and unexpected responses to the smell of certain men. Still visual and tactile attraction to women, not so much to men, but gaining olfactory/pheromonal responses to men? Fine if so, interesting as a minor curiosity.
– Seems not to smell so much, either sweat-wise or with regards to body excretions. This may or may not involve vegetarianism as a component, too.
– Having rare moments of blood pressure drops when rising suddenly, never happened before. So might not be hypertensive anymore?
– Feeling of basic calm (fight or flight replaced by still melancholia) remaining strong, happy about that. No real sign of increased emotionality, unless recent steps of taking fears seriously, and being sad about sad things were such. Curious. Probably no more or less irritable. Occasional days of feeling nebulously angry, perhaps, but no need to act on it, just calmly observing it. EDIT, no this is there, there is more emotion, just not all good. It’s harder to ignore fear or anxiety or stress. That’s one thing that is there.
– Body hair growth rate halved.
– Feeling really bad about service folks misgendering me. Need to escalate facial hair removal and voice training. The latter seems somehow psychologically easier? Not likely a direct hormonal effect. Still real.
– Big thing: confidence? Knowing my body changes makes me doubt myself less, question myself less, see myself as more legitimate. I dare more, I claim my rebirthright spaces and contexts more as a matter of course. And that also made me realize I have boundaries, I get to set them, I matter. It becomes clearer. I see finally who the Crone part of my tripartite Goddesshood is, beginning to see her stare back at me in the mirror. This is just starting. Will elaborate more later.
– Further and further and further out of the closet. Now really only the silent standstill with parents left.

I need to blog about Moyashimon as a trans narrative too, but that will have to wait.