Lots of it now. Just spent a few days at retreat with my present department colleagues, last time before leaving them. Discovering last week I don’t want to go back to low shoes meant I didn’t, then I decided after asking several people to wear the bright red lipstick of giving no fucks while being classy. One partner commented “bright red lips means better not misgender me?“ and that was true. For once I have corrected people. Important thing: I then know they know I am trans, so I feel comfortable-ish taking up the mantle. Thus have used female changing rooms and bathrooms now with these people, and that means I will continue to do so, which feels woah. I’m all out at work.
Did it help? Yes. Together with bonding with girl coworkers as friends, including talking about woes and challenges and hanging out in the spa, I feel like I am here and like I am at peace, all else being equal. It really is amazing and it feels important.
Then… this weekend I will share a small flat with my mother. Right now, my default involves wearing a bra, heeled professional shoes and substantial makeup. I either still do this or I hide it, dressing up for the party sometime outside.
I will not stay in any fucking closet any longer. No way. No fucking way.
So I wrote finally a proper coming out letter with all the details, HRT included, and sent to mother. I wonder when she will read it, and how she will react. This is so so so scary. Support from my partners help, and feeling in my changing body how this is right, that helps too. This new calm me who can value herself and her own emotions, for her – she who is also crone, actually – for her this is still scary but it is clear she recognizes she must do this now.
It’s big. I feel. Time to sleep.
lost in transition 