war logs

Today will meet potential students and be present first time as incoming in my new professional role. Jump starting a little, a month-and-half before lab formally starts. It will be packed. I will cope. Yesterday good meeting, excepting one person almost no misgendering/deadnaming, it did hurt when publicly happening though. Old Doctor asked if I might be anemic and I thought it was so sweet that I kept smiling thereafter, and Young Doctor, who is French and extremely proud femme, greeted me with cheek kisses and casually bonded/gave advice on minor health things; this too felt deeply validating (and honestly, for the past five years, she is one of those I looked to thinking, “I’m so sad that isn’t me”…).

Stress levels high but meh. Endocrinologist mailed. Don’t think anemia is an issue because she would have seen and told me, asked in any case. Apparently hormones are now in female range, and I can decrease CPA dose to 75% of what we started with; one wants that gradually kept as low as possible. Hoping that will reflect satisfactory intrinsic scaling down of T production, because I don’t want those levels to rise again. Well, if so we will see in next test…

She also said to note if breast tenderness was too high, I thought I have none, but last night and waking now, I do feel it more and more; a hot, tender feeling. I’m more tender, and it should mean I am beginning to grow. Knee pain is subsiding, but a weird tenderness on back of buttocks since a day or so. I do wonder if this may be related to fat redistribution?

Skin is clearly softer, and scratches really easily. Body hair growth slowed even further and it feels like a miracle. Was worried some body smells might be returning but actually not thinking they are. Mentally, may be a little more emotionally present – it shows in that anxiety and worry is more urgent even when in background (not a choice to ignore it, but still a choice to ride it and not act on it), and I did have some similarly spontaneous euphoria. Curious where this keeps going. One dear friend said she saw differences in my face but I am not sure they are there yet. Might be getting paler, leading to Old Doctor’s assessment; reduced pigmentation perhaps.