It’s been an intensive time, with some things being way more complex than I would like. I concluded I needed to set a certain boundary for my own sake, which caused – justified – pain for a loved one. This meant for me lots of emotions involving fear, and pain, and guilt, and doubt, and arrr… I believe I now cried out of negative feelings for the first time since my 2012 breakup, and it was hard to keep it back. No way of telling whether this is the changes in hormone balance, or just the relevance of the situation (because this involves a special and precious love, which keeps on mattering more to me). Curious either way. Emotions still there, in my body on the train home, keeping me restless, making me talk about it, vent about it to all who listens. Perhaps part is I cannot do much more now, than to ride and endure and navigate and do the best I can. Which nevertheless does involve respecting myself enough to let me set boundaries when feeling safe requires that. And which still hurts, me and others.
(Feelings still causing turmoil, my own and projected others and the shadows they throw around. Feeling it in breathing, in cold, in sensation beyond eyes of coming close to tears again. Feeling sad in case a person ends up being shut out by me, for the sake of that person being thus exposed, even if I also need to listen to my own direct feelings, not just those reflected through empathy. This all hurts. Emotions hurt. I would not be without them, but worrying now some about not being able to sleep because of this turmoil. Good thing I get to talk more to others before then. Have not longed for therapy quite like this before.)
lost in transition 