anecdata

How is it now proceeding? Wanting to log some of these experiences of what arguably is second puberty overall, but first puberty I might be OK with. There is too little data to do more than wax randomly over it, I cannot be certain yet what is imagination (and with this being the 5th day of feminizing HRT, not much should be other than placebo). I’m OK with that. Obv, depending on your line of work, this may be NSFW.

Dull, entirely acceptable testicular aches continue every now and then. My guess is that this is somehow overactivation in response to the CPA, which is intended to lead to degradation and atrophy of those same testicular faculties, making for a stably lowered testosterone production.

Occasionally, a feeling of tingly compression sensitivity in what I believe are my breast glands (I have had such for years, I don’t know if other AMAB people usually do). Hard not to think of this as breast growth, but probably wishful thinking I share with every trans girl at this stage, no matter her age and mindset.

Oddly, while I am on CPA not spironolactone, still somehow increased need for urination, which also feels and smells differently (more dilute)? This makes me suspect perhaps the whole body is retaining more fluid, osmotic balances changed. Might be like some suggest during their menstrual cycles, and I do seem to weigh ~1kg more (though I also did not maintain my fasting regimen during LARP banquets this weekend).

No mood swings yet at all. If anything, I am in a calmness which reminds me of both being on mirtazapine (had to google the name now, could for my life not remember it) and on MDMA – what is usually there as a vigilance (continually checking if I have to fight/flee) instead feels like a somewhat melancholic acceptance. Even if this has anything to do with the medication, it certainly also reflects how I work with myself under treatment. I was worried this might rob me of my superpower to force myself to work until finished, but so far it seems not – I can still spend willpower, and I somehow feel I don’t harm myself by being all tense and spiky as I do it. So perhaps there is something here, but not in any way which causes issues to me, on the contrary.

More clearly on the mental side, I am slowly but clearly reparsing my body, not through direct hormonal action, but through recognizing that I am moving towards biological womanhood in more ways. I sense the beginning of a mindset change as a result where perhaps I more effortlessly therefore see my own body as feminine, which would reduce what may in fact be background dysphoria/uncertainty. Will see.

On sexual function, the treatment should cause loss of first involuntary, then voluntary erections. The former means no nightly stretching keeping the skin supple and tensible, and eventually leads to shrinkage; this in turn can be an issue in some surgeries. So it may make sense to ensure voluntary erections regularly. This has felt surprisingly uninteresting to set aside time for, which may be what some refer to as reduced libido, and which if so I care less about than I would have thought. Curious to see where it goes. In any case, it seems I can still induce erections (not full stiffness though, might not be ideal for penetration – who cares, I will soon get myself a strap-on for that) and sexual climax. None of my lovers are near me geographically, but I look forward to experimenting with another person also in the future. (I did warn above this was not work-safe!) It certainly is true I long for a state where I can be certain not to have involuntary erections no matter the circumstances (not least so I can hang out and relax in mixed-sex nude saunas in my upcoming Babylon hometown!).

Slept well. May or may not have dreamed more than usual, probably not, probably just slept long enough for once to get to have deep sleep. Will rise, drink tea and probiotics, and deal with the day.