Month: February 2018

turmoils & torrents

It’s been an intensive time, with some things being way more complex than I would like. I concluded I needed to set a certain boundary for my own sake, which caused – justified – pain for a loved one. This meant for me lots of emotions involving fear, and pain, and guilt, and doubt, and arrr… I believe I now cried out of negative feelings for the first time since my 2012 breakup, and it was hard to keep it back. No way of telling whether this is the changes in hormone balance, or just the relevance of the situation (because this involves a special and precious love, which keeps on mattering more to me). Curious either way. Emotions still there, in my body on the train home, keeping me restless, making me talk about it, vent about it to all who listens. Perhaps part is I cannot do much more now, than to ride and endure and navigate and do the best I can. Which nevertheless does involve respecting myself enough to let me set boundaries when feeling safe requires that. And which still hurts, me and others.

(Feelings still causing turmoil, my own and projected others and the shadows they throw around. Feeling it in breathing, in cold, in sensation beyond eyes of coming close to tears again. Feeling sad in case a person ends up being shut out by me, for the sake of that person being thus exposed, even if I also need to listen to my own direct feelings, not just those reflected through empathy. This all hurts. Emotions hurt. I would not be without them, but worrying now some about not being able to sleep because of this turmoil. Good thing I get to talk more to others before then. Have not longed for therapy quite like this before.)

slow procedural

In continued news of so-subtle-I-probably-imagine-it, I sometimes feel like it takes more effort – and possible more effort to succeed – to recollect some old memory details. Not generally, not in a scary sense. But like things which were habitually kept in mind happened longer ago than they did. On a possibly related note, I look at things I wrote in the past and I see spelling mistakes, noticing them. Yesternight had some moments when well-known sights and experiences felt new, like I saw details I had not noticed before. Taken together, I suspect that if this is not just confirmation bias, it is the indication of neural and mental turnover, that my system in some ways is doing a fresh start. If so, that calls for me to take good care of myself and raise/guide myself well through this developmental stage, to lay groundwork properly. Taking omega-3, zink, B12 and iron supplements, among others. Attempting to sleep better – I suppose I do, I sleep deep enough and wake earlier than often in the past.

Things like being cold and shivering, but not sick, are more related to my dieting, which also likely increases turnover, as well as hopefully garbage collection via autophagy. Glad to have shifted to a 99% vegetarian diet, I feel better about incorporating less animal tissue derived building blocks into my new body growth.

Another thing, less worksafe. The virtual loss of erections. Even thinking of sexy things, or when feeling warm and safe (this too could produce a non-sexual but physical transient tumescent response in me, before), I hardly grow stiff. I can by making an effort, combining touch and fantasy, generally needing to first touch my breasts. Doing that feels different too, a cloudy and eye-opening kind of sensation in-between emotion and sensation. Light touch, too, not presently feeling I want rough touch there, though I probably will come to. But all those things aside, I am happier than I expected over the non-erections, or weakened erections, in both sexual and non-sexual contexts. It’s like the possibility of tumescence was always there fluctuating weakly but significantly on the lower range of some scale, pulling at attention, making me feel that area of my body somehow not being under my control, and restricting movement and sensation, being both vulnerable and obtrusive. Sensitivity there to cold or touch has changed, growing fuzzier, I can often think easier of just having hips and legs and belly area and crotch, and feeling more anchored and at peace, again, somehow, both in sexual and non-sexual mindsets. Have not yet been with a lover after starting HRT, and am curious on what it will be like.

I keep talking about sex stuff. That’s not to indicate that is so important, or that what I am doing is about it. It is however one of the earliest clearly real changes, so it warrants my documentation. More to the point, I am continuing to conclude that the everyday experience of human beings – being emotional and social creatures in context and identity – IS something where subliminal (in the general sense of the word, below some cutoff) sexual functionalities and responses actually do affect our feelings and actions and anchorings. Freudianism is a pot of garbage in most ways, but our complex selves are woven out of the stuff of our bodies like knitted dolls out of yarn, and I don’t think those things are irrelevant on a broader scale to how the rest of us functions. Even soft and airy and cerebral and complexly interlinked and intersectional realities still depend on some simpler body processes, and in affecting some of those, I open up the possibility of gross or subtle tone and texture changes also in my more complex selves…

Dreamt strongly last moments of this night, remembering unusually clearly. I was living somewhere vaguely similar to where I did before. I was myself, as a transitioning person, and it was sort of at this point in my life. I met some gang of youths much like those I saw yesternight before sleep in my police procedural & whiskey wind-down, as I was going out, and they indicated after some anger towards me for some slight that they had/would vandalize where I lived. I accepted and held that worry. Then I was on a bus, and getting off it, and there was also my estranged friend of a long time, A, wearing a nice brown/purple trench coat thing. On the bus ride I read a long set of multi-page linked articles/thinkpiece thing in one of my native country’s tabloids, which A had written – in the dream he may have been a journalist, and the writing, appropriately, was poetic but vague of content or conclusions – it was about either the Alt-Right or trolls or some intersection thereof. Meeting him on the bus stop was a chance to finally meet again, we hugged and I still could not tell whether he shuns me or not. But he was supposed to come with me and stay there, I guess before traveling onwards the next day? The youths were waiting inside the house but outside my door, and I was concerned but not scared; they had painted graffiti over some house decorations that were ugly anyway. A again did not really betray any emotion over any of those things. Then I woke and gradually concluded I had slept enough.

Woke to take meds and vitamins and fluid. Checking emails and writing updates and launching scripts from my bed. Then for replacing shower bandages (mole removal surgeries), washing hair, donning makeup and going to work.

anchoring

So, a little over a week of HRT. Big caveats that it is impossible to tell my own mental work from direct effects, and ultimately all that is meaningful involves both – what is my brain and body doing when it undergoes these things?

Most interesting: I think I believe in my own process, and in my own womanhood, better with this. I feel slightly different in my body. Noticing it now as I type it. Slightly more relaxed in the movements, in the moving parts, in the stillness. Feeling better glancing over curves when showering. Feeling less judgmental over it, more thinking of myself as a woman as a matter of course? Having come out now almost everywhere (and being in some regards visible) plays a part too, perhaps, but this feeling of body acceptance, that may have some of its roots here. Smells are beginning to be different too, mostly so far in that they have faded. It’s not that I don’t notice masculine smells, I may be becoming more receptive to them from others, and surprisingly also a little excited by them, not much, but a little.

Tiny NSFW part, noting how erections are significantly remote and with them, also some attention drag towards genital parts I had not quite thought of. Mostly liking, but I don’t want skin shrinkage there quite yet, so want to make sure they still happen occasionally for maintenance. Not getting sex with others much where I live right now, so ought to self-pleasure, but finding that it feels cumbersome to take the time to do so even weekly. Of course, this was sort of true before hormones as well, not sure what it says about me. Should try if the magic wand response is even better now, I suppose. Breasts feel like they may be a little more sensitive, but I would need the touch of another person to be able to tell. And the thought of being cuddled feels very appealing.

anecdata

How is it now proceeding? Wanting to log some of these experiences of what arguably is second puberty overall, but first puberty I might be OK with. There is too little data to do more than wax randomly over it, I cannot be certain yet what is imagination (and with this being the 5th day of feminizing HRT, not much should be other than placebo). I’m OK with that. Obv, depending on your line of work, this may be NSFW.

Dull, entirely acceptable testicular aches continue every now and then. My guess is that this is somehow overactivation in response to the CPA, which is intended to lead to degradation and atrophy of those same testicular faculties, making for a stably lowered testosterone production.

Occasionally, a feeling of tingly compression sensitivity in what I believe are my breast glands (I have had such for years, I don’t know if other AMAB people usually do). Hard not to think of this as breast growth, but probably wishful thinking I share with every trans girl at this stage, no matter her age and mindset.

Oddly, while I am on CPA not spironolactone, still somehow increased need for urination, which also feels and smells differently (more dilute)? This makes me suspect perhaps the whole body is retaining more fluid, osmotic balances changed. Might be like some suggest during their menstrual cycles, and I do seem to weigh ~1kg more (though I also did not maintain my fasting regimen during LARP banquets this weekend).

No mood swings yet at all. If anything, I am in a calmness which reminds me of both being on mirtazapine (had to google the name now, could for my life not remember it) and on MDMA – what is usually there as a vigilance (continually checking if I have to fight/flee) instead feels like a somewhat melancholic acceptance. Even if this has anything to do with the medication, it certainly also reflects how I work with myself under treatment. I was worried this might rob me of my superpower to force myself to work until finished, but so far it seems not – I can still spend willpower, and I somehow feel I don’t harm myself by being all tense and spiky as I do it. So perhaps there is something here, but not in any way which causes issues to me, on the contrary.

More clearly on the mental side, I am slowly but clearly reparsing my body, not through direct hormonal action, but through recognizing that I am moving towards biological womanhood in more ways. I sense the beginning of a mindset change as a result where perhaps I more effortlessly therefore see my own body as feminine, which would reduce what may in fact be background dysphoria/uncertainty. Will see.

On sexual function, the treatment should cause loss of first involuntary, then voluntary erections. The former means no nightly stretching keeping the skin supple and tensible, and eventually leads to shrinkage; this in turn can be an issue in some surgeries. So it may make sense to ensure voluntary erections regularly. This has felt surprisingly uninteresting to set aside time for, which may be what some refer to as reduced libido, and which if so I care less about than I would have thought. Curious to see where it goes. In any case, it seems I can still induce erections (not full stiffness though, might not be ideal for penetration – who cares, I will soon get myself a strap-on for that) and sexual climax. None of my lovers are near me geographically, but I look forward to experimenting with another person also in the future. (I did warn above this was not work-safe!) It certainly is true I long for a state where I can be certain not to have involuntary erections no matter the circumstances (not least so I can hang out and relax in mixed-sex nude saunas in my upcoming Babylon hometown!).

Slept well. May or may not have dreamed more than usual, probably not, probably just slept long enough for once to get to have deep sleep. Will rise, drink tea and probiotics, and deal with the day.

second day

Today had good LARP experiences, but also spent some time absorbed in worries/anxieties that were TERF-related, which in a way also makes it dysphoria-related. However, did not devour that much of the time.

Also was quite tired. No idea if this is adaptation to medication, having been cold exposed, not having slept enough, or finally relaxing. It was an odd kind of tiredness, not painful, not lethargic, not apathetic, just… sensing the pressure. Wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow? 🙂

little pharma

I just took the first CPA and estradiol pills. There are so so many reasons for placebo, and confounding from other factors of my life, that nothing I observe here is reliable. Skin tingling and feeling at peace, these should all currently be imagination, even if something like them later will appear. Slight (not problematic) tenderness/pain in testicles however, that may in fact be a possible effect already within 30min of ingestion, I can see this being the case. Interesting.

tsunami

So it’s all going somewhere, so quickly and no longer all under my control. I came out to wider and wider circles of collaborators, I came out on FB and linkedin and so forth. Surprising people have been supportive (especially ones I am useful to, I note, but still!). No-one negative. A few not saying much at all in response, but that’s OK. It’s now officially so much cat-out-of-bag that going back on this would be awkward, and I am little irritated at that, would like in the best of worlds to just question and experiment for as long as possible. Then again, I need to use this opportunity now.

Voice training proceeds, with very little benefit but perhaps, as of last sessions, not entirely none. Getting braver – thinking now I’ll not be too afraid to wear my bras, for example, even when at work, because now people know I am trans. No longer using men’s rooms, though that leaves me at a loss in my workplace at the moment as I don’t know myself yet to be welcome in the women’s there yet. Laser proceeds. Epilation proceeds, body sculpting proceeds.

Most interesting, may soon pick up my first hormone therapy prescription! Feeling a need to document myself before starting, so I can assess any changes. I suppose I now am vaguely restless and anxious, though this is more diet than anything else. Prone to dry skin and dry hair. Otherwise, what to say? I should take photos. Then to see where things go. Not sure when to begin taking the pills. At some point before next week.