babylon calling

I’ve accepted an offer to start a small research group in Europe’s most queer-friendly city, in a conservative science field. I will do this under my female name. As it will be public, that means coming out to essentially everyone, earlier than I had planned to. But the thought of having to come out later after a while is even scarier. I feel so full of chaos over this, and somewhat as though I am losing control over the process. Still it is what I will do, it looks like. Really excited but also really really scared. Partly because this means my parents will know my questioning has ended and will be emotional over that, even if they may hide it. Partly because it seems to large and daunting to face all of this coming out, and likely losing some allies because of it. Partly because some easily-worried part of me feels that a year of questioning still is not absolute certainty, worrying that I will regret it at some point, at which there will be no graceful way back into the closet again. But this is where it is.