interactions

Was hanging some with good friends and their friends in turn, and was surprisingly downspirited by some of that interaction. More specifically, one man projected somewhat odd expressions against me. He kept semi-agitatedly asking me to show anger, asked me “what sort of porn I watch when I wank”, kept doing jock-like touching (slapping, playfight punching etc.) despite no reciprocation from me, told me I am “still a man” and that I smell like him, out of nowhere. I wasn’t really sure how to respond; with other dear friends nearby I did not feel unsafe as such though otherwise I would have, but had no useful way to act or speak in response. If I were to try to put the pieces together, I would somehow parse it as though he indeed does not see me as anything but a cross-dressing man, as such he would expect me to somehow deep down be aligned with all that macho bullshit, and he may have been trying to test if I would respond to his taunts thereby somehow proving him right in that regard?

In itself this is not so unsettling, as I don’t have to care or react as long as I am safe. But it does cause me to feel sad and dysphoric – simple and unsophisticated people will not understand me as a woman, it seems, they will see me as male as a matter of course. They will not see this as trying to be hostile, it will just be what the world honestly feel like to them, and their baseline conduct against me will be like they usually act towards odd men, not how they usually act towards even odd women. At least thus far. I must remember that I’ve barely started transition, I’ve not changed physically much, I’ve barely made any progress so far with voice work, I haven’t started hormones. Perhaps and hopefully this will change, perhaps I will reach a point where I will be able to blend. Hopefully without having to do more femininity than I feel like at any given point, though this also made me feel as though any expression of mine which is too forceful, too bombastic, will have me read as male by people responding like this person.

These feelings will pass. Right now I feel very self-conscious and unhappy and pessimistic, but those feelings will pass, and I will regain confidence in how hard or easy this will be. I’m sure I still do smell masculine, but I’m indeed on the way towards changing that, I will do my best in every way I can. To some regard, an experience like this (alongside earlier today the same barista as before once more sir:ing me repeatedly) is also helpful, it tell me that I have a long way to go. I have the capacity to make those changes I need, and I will proceed to make them. I will refuse to be more demure even as a way to avoid misgendering. I might also eventually become self-assured enough that I will call people out, I suppose. Life is learning opportunities.