Noting that there exists some (relatively smaller) crowd of people who experience what they describe as trans OCD/tOCD. This reminds me of why differential diagnosis for OCD was of interest to my therapist. These would be people who obsessively fear being trans and try to disprove that they are. There is similarly homosexuality OCD where people fear they are gay and try to disprove that, paedophilia OCD where people fear they are child-attracted and try to disprove that, disease OCD where people fear they have AIDS or cancer and try to disprove that.
Now, all those three last I certainly have experienced. And a lot of what I have experienced with regards to dysphoria resembles a “reverse“ trans OCD, a cis OCD, where I would – in some convoluted fashion – obsessively fear being a man and try to disprove that. What do I take away from this?
Essentially what my therapist also suggested: my basic go-to coping strategies carry the seeds of OCD in them, I have an OCD risk profile and in various times of my life, this has reached almost clinical symtom levels. Of note, this would not gainsay my being trans in the slightest; I obsessively check everything that might suggest I am cis, not because I fear being trans but because I fear being a non-woman.
The valuable insight is rather what I have known for a few years; my rumination behaviours are jerk brainy, pathological – they identify something I fear, usually something unfounded, and then try to sabotage attempts at letting the fear go. Thus a recommendation might rather be to become better at letting go of fears of being male, fears of being cisgender, because those fears when they do emerge bear all the hallmarks of how I previously have experienced OCD-like symptoms on other topics.
It also highlights how my gender identity mismatch/dysphoria have operated through the lens of the OCD-at-risk nature of my coping strategies; as a person who uses rumination and intellectual defenses, the dysphoria activated a fear which activated obsession and ritualistic defenses. I was able this year to fight it effectively by reducing the underlying fear by beginning transition. That was the right way to go, but I must remain vigilant – as my therapist also in fact did suggest – for how my go-to response to fears is OCD-like.
That in turn tells me to let go of writing about this now and instead finish up my work, to free up time for the things that really do bring me joy, such as transitioning and self-actualization. As such, that insight might be a useful one.
lost in transition 