tactiles

I’m still not immune to doubt, part of the time I doubt and fear everything and worry that perhaps I am deluding myself on the sources and nature of my issues such that the conclusion that transition is the optimal strategy might not hold. At the same time, on some deep emotional level I know very well that it is what I want, that it calls to me like few things ever have. I proceed and if I find it continues to make me happier, all things considered, then it was the right path to take.

Meanwhile, I may be experiencing a widened spectrum of dysphoric manifestations. Something silly – restrooms. These days, using female or neutral ones as long as I’m not in an environment where I am known but not out to people; the latter mostly applies to work. A while back I found that I was anxious and feeling down from using male-coded restroom facilities. Or rather, I wondered if it was contributing to background sadness, and found that sadness receding inexplicably when choosing to use neutral restrooms at work, even when that means going several floors down and into another building. Was forced due to limited time before meeting starting again now to go to the men’s room, and feeling physical discomfort coming over me in waves.

That’s silly, in a way, whoever cares about restrooms? Obviously our society that divides us between them (and on a more material level, as someone sitting down on the toilet, I actually prefer not having to share with people standing up and being messy…). Presumably I attach significance to the choice, to the division, and that makes me feel dysphoric when self-gendering like that.

Similarly silly things, pronouns. Spending time with family that have small children, I was talked about a lot in the third person. Lately, being he:d provokes feelings of sadness. Is this me self-triggering, creating a vulnerability that did not exist? Or is this me recognizing I can feel more anchored, more present, happier, and therefore recognizing these things more strongly due to contrast now emerging? I do lean towards the latter. If so, that may mean I would benefit from coming out more widely, even though it is awkward to actually ask people to change pronouns for me. Probably I should test this in more environments. Scary but true. Once some other issues elsewhere in life are resolved, which they should be quite soon, I should open some more closet doors and see how I feel.