I have these odd fluctuations in how intensely I feel gender euphoria and dysphoria both. Roughly monthly, and for roughly a week (but in both regards with extremely high variability), both are significantly weaker than otherwise. No idea how that ties in with other circumstances and fluctuations. Worry of the day while in transit was, does this suggest some aspect of the biological substrate such that one could “cure” dysphoria in ways other than transition? That thought always scares me a little, since some less-than-rational sides of me worries it might invalidate me if in some future, this was possible. And in some chain of semi-logic, I am much rather a trans woman than a cis man, since that means that I am a woman, because the label/concept itself affects me. None of this matters so much though, it is all far away. What is immediately present is to navigate life.
That in turn means going up to the lab through the rain, because the next six days are going to be extremely stressful, the most intense period during the year work-wise. I will submerge and focus as needed, rising as I can to communicate, and try to let emotions manage as they float around me. I am confident that I can. Hoping to procrastinate some during evening with skyping, with doing my nails, and with some makeup – had no time rushing to bus, so brought it with me; my impulse is somehow to groom more the worse I feel, though I also groom more while happy.
Also, in between work things, I also will have my first appointment with an endocrinologist, assessing for hormones. I haven’t had time to sit down and evaluate my feelings on this, but I am assuming it will all take time. Had wanted to lose more weight before starting, but feeling that I really do need to learn what beginning those changes feel like. For many, I know I want them, and am confident they will make me happy. My main anxieties probably revolve around breast growth, for complicated reasons. I worry that my shoulders and chest are so wide I would look weird with breasts, though no way of knowing how much further weight loss could change that.
This is relatively minor though, more to the point is that growing visible breasts is the one change that would be hardest to hide, so it makes it necessary to successfully come out and navigate the fallout in every physical space, not just supportive ones. It means I must come out as medically transitioning to colleagues, collaborators and birth family. Fears revolve around perceived cumbersomeness of this process, more on how there is an awkwardness and a hurdle (and perhaps some rapport lost permanently) than a fear of an actual adverse reaction from them. It’s in many ways a fear of being seen as conceited or artificial, of not being understood, of not being seen as genuine or sane. I should investigate these fears and worries more clearly, dissect them into components, and try the boundaries of how out I am, to take the edge off of it. Which essentially is what I am doing these days, I suppose.
lost in transition 