Month: October 2017

mens sano in corpore sano

Lots of important and challenging things at once which I will not elaborate on here. Tangentially, heard it described, to learn to touch another (context: intimacy, but not necessarily sexuality) as they want to be touched, I could visualize what it looks like to be touched the way I want to touched.

WTF? No, seriously? I can’t… I do not have a concept of this and it surprises and bothers and fascinates me that I do not. I couldn’t even say what sort of touch I enjoy, nor can I visualize it. I really have no idea and tears well up in me in realizing this. Am I actually estranged from my body?

Sexually, for me good and meaningful encounters have largely been about either topping others (in which case I am cloud and hands being validated by their response, and by feeling connected to my partner through sharing their moment of loss of control with them), or very occasionally by being touched, in which cases I would mostly retreat into a visualization of the present scene conceptually recreated (and with the box ticked off as an achievement; including: during penetrative sex, appreciating the fact of seeing/knowing my partner receiving this, rather than the fact of me executing it, because the act/recipient is sexy, whereas my presence/execution is not). Enjoying the description of the act more than the sensory and embodied state of the act. I may have assumed this is what it is like for everyone. Is it possible that it is not?

Also, clumsiness. I can manipulate external objects and surfaces just fine. But it’s really hard for me to learn or execute sets of instructions for positioning my own body, or to know the position of my own body, or to do this without consciously thinking about it. Maybe I’m just imagining this as a way to reduce my trans impostor syndrome/transitioning doubts, but if not, then that is kind of major – like my own body is a blank space in my kinesthetic and sensory map, whereas my inner worlds and external world representations all work fine. Who knows? Need to look closer at.

gears

Very very very stressful day with all things happening at once, and more things needing to have happened already. Will get those things done. Back from therapy, moving hopefully forward. Being asked things to rule out other states. Hoping no problems or difficulties will arise insofar as demonstrating my disconnect has been present persistently over time. But will worry about all such things later.

Went with precious friend to do clothes shopping, as old trousers no longer fit even with the most ambitious of belting. Got some woman-cut black jeans and absolutely loving the experience of clothes that fit. Buttoning from the opposite side than what I expected. Feeling silly for being so happy over something so shallow and trivial, but at the same time, euphoric over knowing I currently wear no article of clothing intended for men. Very much wanting it to stay that way.

Cooking pumpkin risotto and making figures, anticipating the arrival of a beloved partner. Slowly regaining more and more of a feeling of control.

lacrima

So, I’m entirely pre-hormone therapy. But one thing that has happened throughout nine months of thinking “maybe I really am trans?” is that I’ve gained a manifold ability to weep. It’s been remote from me long, and I’ve cherished music that let me reach it, because disentangled from whatever makes me weep, I like doing it, I cherish the feeling of being emotionally alive. When I need to deal with something I don’t ever cry, I do it when I feel safe from some problem having been solved, even if only virtual or abstract.

Today I was making breakfast with one of my partners. They were adding honey to the weird cold remedy tea in the sunlight, and I told them how they were like the honey, all golden shifts of precious complexity, hugging them and telling them how much I love them, sobbing involuntarily with tears running down my cheeks. This sort of thing is happening more and more often and I treasure it. But how, and why?

Lots of people say this happens to them on estrogen therapy, so I must wonder if that is a direct effect, or the result of rearranging our personalities, ceasing to hold back? I remember as a child my mother telling me not to cry (she was afraid I’d be bullied otherwise. It didn’t help). Probably as S**** I let myself give in because the habit of not is being released. I am curious if it will intensify further on estrogen, and on whether that will act along the same path of releasing the habit of not crying, and on whether there is any difference between these different options or whether it ends up being the same thing.

These are good times to be alive. These are times to be alive as a real person.