lacrima

So, I’m entirely pre-hormone therapy. But one thing that has happened throughout nine months of thinking “maybe I really am trans?” is that I’ve gained a manifold ability to weep. It’s been remote from me long, and I’ve cherished music that let me reach it, because disentangled from whatever makes me weep, I like doing it, I cherish the feeling of being emotionally alive. When I need to deal with something I don’t ever cry, I do it when I feel safe from some problem having been solved, even if only virtual or abstract.

Today I was making breakfast with one of my partners. They were adding honey to the weird cold remedy tea in the sunlight, and I told them how they were like the honey, all golden shifts of precious complexity, hugging them and telling them how much I love them, sobbing involuntarily with tears running down my cheeks. This sort of thing is happening more and more often and I treasure it. But how, and why?

Lots of people say this happens to them on estrogen therapy, so I must wonder if that is a direct effect, or the result of rearranging our personalities, ceasing to hold back? I remember as a child my mother telling me not to cry (she was afraid I’d be bullied otherwise. It didn’t help). Probably as S**** I let myself give in because the habit of not is being released. I am curious if it will intensify further on estrogen, and on whether that will act along the same path of releasing the habit of not crying, and on whether there is any difference between these different options or whether it ends up being the same thing.

These are good times to be alive. These are times to be alive as a real person.