Some various people, in particular my poor partners have been exposed to situations where I 1) have put myself somewhat in order, grooming-wise and 2) lose some of that grooming by getting sweaty, or by getting rained on. If I expect to be messy, like when going for a run, then no matter. But if both criteria take place I tend to behave as though this is a big deal somehow, even where no-one else will care; I will expend a lot of effort in avoiding anything which might smudge my makeup, if I wear any, or make my hair slick against my head. Same with realizing my breath or smell otherwise is less than fresh. The feelings are those of urgency and of losing something important I’ve scrambled together, of bodily alienation. This has been the case for many years, and I am not proud of those dramatic tendencies, they must make me less comfortable to be around in such moments.
Thinking now that this may be not just be being silly (though it certainly is that!); but that it can also be understood as an expression of gender dysphoria for me. By establishing a non-messiness state, I’m self-conceptualizing in a way which I am comfortable in, which then is nullified by the factors I describe. If I am compensating for the body itself by its surface properties, then it would make somewhat more sense that those surface properties would be such a point of vulnerability for me. Now, my mother would surely point out how as a small child even I never wanted to get sticky or dirty or messy due to some sort of high sensitivity sense-wise, and perhaps these situations more express that? Or rather, some interaction between factors. I don’t recognize this affecting me so except in such regards as impacts the extent to which I present gender cues – appearance of skin tones, volume ratio hair to face, body odours and sweat. Curious.
lost in transition 